As usual, I started something 6 months ago and then completely disappeared on it.
I’d like to talk about love and life today, although all I can think of is that I dove out of a plane this year. funny how I want to change the world, leave my mark and at the same time, I feel that in the grand scheme of the universe, nothing really matters.
What I want from life is existential in itself. I want the world and I want none of it. I want name and fame, and I want to be all by myself too. This paradoxical, hypocritical need from life is something that I am getting tired of. I want to be able to choose and then run in that direction. I want to be able to grow rather than be stuck in mediocrity. I want to experience life in its fullest.
I want better. I want to live better. I want to love better. I want to be better. And just like that, my mind says that wanting so much is not good for me.
Will I ever find love again? That fire, that drive, that faith, that partnership that makes you feel like the world doesn’t matter anymore. Feels like time is slipping away, and even though I have people in my life for everything, I still have this constant loneliness within my heart that doesn’t seem to go away.
Anyhow, i am happy too. Happy that things are growing and i am able to make time for new things. Happy that I am a bit more myself that I was a while ago. Happy that growing isn’t something that I will shy away from. I will be better. better than I have known myself to be.
“Of all the people I know, I am the one I want to be.”-S
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